October 12th, 2023, 11:48 pm
It's been a while. I guess life has been moving pretty fast, no big surpirse there. A lot has changed, and also not as much as I thought would. I've adjusted pretty well to being away from home, honestly I quite like it here. I've made friends and I like the authority I have over my own life. I've kept up with classes fine and haven't gone too far off the deep end yet. The first week here I was talking to a girl and she was lovely if not a bit boring. That didn't work out for a few reasons, mostly my fault. I inadvertently ghosted for a week or so while going through phases of derealization brought on by a few different factors, that's really what killed it. Then a few weeks later I was talking to someone else. She's had a very soft beauty about her and enjoyed reading as much as I do. We talked for a week or so and it seemed to be going well but then one day she told me she wasn't interested and I never heard from her again. I often see her around campus and it feels so wrong forcing myself to ignore her. I think the hardest part about being here has been the lonelyness. Not so much because of the lack of someone but because it's been so close each time. Maybe someone will come along someday. Maybe not. But I've made good friends, I actually started a band too. All is well for the most part. Some nights I haven't been sleeping but that's not really new.

August 18th, 2023, 12:10 am
Today was my last day home. It rained from sunrise to sunset so I was stuck indoors which was disappointing but I was packing most of the day anyways. On Monday I saw most of my friends that aren't going to the same college for the last time. When we all left we were in one of their driveways and watching the stars because it was a meteor shower. I don't think it could've been any better. Today, just a few hours ago, I saw one of them for the last time, one of the two that are staying in town. We talked for a while about pretty much everything, I'll miss seeing him. I'll miss a lot of things about home. It's strange doing something and realizing that it's the last time you'll do it. Even just writing this is probably the last time I'll update this page in my bed at least for a few months. I've been watching old commercials that I remember from when I was a kid as well as other random stuff on TV, it's weird how I used to hate to have to sit through them to get to the show and now I watch them for a nostalgia hit. I guess part of coping with the oncoming change is realizing how much change I've already been through. Also, I did get a tattoo finally. "Sisyphus" but in greek on my left forearm. It's a bit bigger than I wanted it to be originally but I like it better this way actuallly. I've been rereading Camus' essay since I bought my own copy a few days ago and it's helped me think through a lot of things. I'm glad I finally decided to just do it. I think that's what I need to do with this, just live and stop being afraid of missing things. Realize that I'll enjoy it there too, different isn't worse and change doesn't have to be uncomfortable. Life is change.

August 6th, 2023, 11:35 pm
It's been a while. I sort of subconsciencly decided that this was better for keeping track of more important days or ideas than a daily thing. I'm down to 12 days now and I've done a lot of what I've wanted to do before summer is up. Yesterday was the river fest in town and it was nice seeing the fireworks with friends and all that. It really feels like things are wrapping up as I'm also finishing up the update I've been working on all summer. I can't wait for it to change, I just wish it would wait until I want it to happen at the same time.

July 20th, 2023, 1:14 am
I officially have 30 days left home, I just got my move-in date today. My "last summer home" bucketlist has been going pretty well, I still want to get a tattoo and then I think I'll be relatively happy to say I had a decent summer. I've been forcing myself to wake up earlier and I've been actively trying to sleep earlier (besides tonight) which has really helped my mood the past few days. I've been trying to organize tasks a bit more, rather than just working an entire day or just relaxing an entire day, and it seems to be going well so far. I really let that part of me go over the summer. The organized and balanced part of me. I've kinda been wanting to get back in contact with a friend I used to talk to but we've kinda parted ways a bit, maybe I'll send them this website. It's strange how easy it is for relationships with people to fade. These days all it takes is not messaging for a few hours, then days, then weeks, and you get the idea. But maybe, that will happen, maybe that won't. We'll see. I also want to get the new update to the game out soon. I have one last big area I'm working on with a ton of weird stuff and then I think I'll release it, I just want to get something out there to maybe revive it a bit. But it's late, I should try and sleep so I don't go into another insomniatic existential-doom spiral like I usually do once it hits around 2, goodnight.

July 16th, 2023, 3:36 am
I woke up really late today which is a bummer, I always feel like I'm wasting the day when I wake up at 1 like I did today. I guess it doesn't help that I was up writing until nearly 4. I was supposed to go fishing with one of my best friends out on the lake today but the forecast said it was supposed to storm. It never did. I spent most of the day just working on the game again, I also got a new watch that I spent two hours working on in the morning to get it to fit me. I spend so much of my time trying to be productive which is good but also means I have nothing memorable about the day. I'm trying really hard to make this summer memorable, I've been fed so many movies and shows that says that it has to be and it's dissapointing that it hasn't been that way even though I know those aren't realistic. I have one month left at home. I'm going to be honest I'm scared that I become alone at college. It's so easy to be lonely now.

Side note: I need to do a better job at logging days, I got scared when I saw the last time I wrote was on the 12th and barely remember the two days after that too. If I don't write what happened to remind myself of the day it will be like it never happened to me.

Yesterday was good, I was at the mall with friends. There's not much to do there but we just like to walk around and talk. After that we went to McDonalds like usuall and got food for cheap and then loitered in the parking lot until 11:30. I'm going to miss days like that a lot.

July 12th, 2023, 5:28 PM
The past few days have been a bit of a blur. I remember being with friends on Sunday and the two days between that I have almost no memory. That's just how it is sometimes.

July 8th, 2023, 3:40 PM
Stuck inside with the rain today. Can't bike or walk because I don't own an umbrella and my sister has the car. I think today I'll try and grind out a bunch of new sub-levels in the game. I should focus on some contnent creation too but it's probably my least favorite part of the job. After it's done raining I want to go out on my bike and just go somewhere, I hate being trapped inside. It does give opportunity though, I've been reading a lot. Although I started today off on a bad foot (I woke up at 12:30 because I didn't sleep until 5) I'll try and make today a good and somewhat productive day. I'm really looking forward to tomorrow, my friend offered to give me a ride to the apartment which was nice. The guy who owns the apartemnt, I haven't seen him in probably a month so it will be nice catching up.

July 7th, 2023, 12:38 PM
Updated the site some and created my own tag, I'll send it in to agora if I figure out what they mean by wanting the image as html. I also added a crt effect to the site that I like a lot. I have some plans of things to do today (literally just going to the mall that's all there is to do here) but who knows if I'll actually do them, whenever I'm waiting on someone or something I always feel like I don't have time for anything else and Paityn is supposed to come by to pay me today. I'm looking forward to Sunday, one of my friends got a new apartment and we're all going to stay the night over there. I hope there's enough space for us all to sleep on second thought. Regarding today though, I think I just need to force myself to get out there and do something or I won't.

July 7th, 2023, 1:45 AM
Finally spent the night working on this, I'll hopefully add more when I can think of stuff. I still need to learn a lot more html and probably css but we'll burn that bridge when we get to it. On a side note, today I got a lot of college stuff done. It feels like it's all coming up so fast and I'm doing a lot but I feel woefully unprepared. I'll probably feel that way no matter what I do though, I will be moving 8 hours from home and moving for the first time in my life in general. I want to spend what time I have left at home the best I can, and although I'm aware of this I feel like I'm not sometimes. It seems I'm just full of doubts I guess, that's what happens with massive oncoming change. It also doesn't help that I've barely been sleeping all week, my brain feels like it's falling apart sometimes. That's it for tonight though, goodnight.